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nonnonnonochi's Blog


#96: TV

I watched 5/7 episodes of ED show that was cancelled. I was really upset that I'd never get to see what would happen to the bulimic cop or the BED guy so I started watching Supersize vs Superskinny.

I go through these bouts where I just care about the extremes of eating WAY TOO MUCH and NOT AT ALL. 

Food is gross.

I don't have an ED but my relationship with food is trash. 

#95: Again for the last time

Closing myself off from people I know online again. For the same reason too.

I want to make friends with trans* guys and just...

I'm just feeling lonely because I miss one of them. He's trans* too but he didn't know about me being trans*. I didnt tell him. It's probably for the best because I would've burdened him with my whining. 

I don't deserve friends.

But I liked him a lot. Even though I know it was because I was in a position where I felt like he couldn't hurt me due to our age difference and my secrecy, it felt nice to have someone I could talk to at early hours of the day/night. 

In the end I think it's best I leave him alone.

It just feels lonely.
 

#94: Still around

Not a single entry for the month of July!

I started a new tumblr blog where I can indulge in my self destructive tendencies. Meh, it's just me crying about wanting to die and not wanting to eat because I'm disgusting.

But there's an ED community there and I'm constantly worried that I'll get tangled up with them. I don't have ED. I just hate myself.

Something else? I want to start smoking. I'm on the fence because it's bad for your skin and I have bad skin as it is but I figure  only have a year left so why not? I want to drop a lot of weight even if it's by not eating so I can have maybe a few months of "fun". Fun I guess means drinking and just staying out as long as possible.

I don't care! 

#93 : What Do I Read

I'd like to make a list of manga I must complete/catch up on before the end. I'm lazy though. More importantly I'm afraid that I won't be able to make a satisfying list or that I won't finish in time. But I can make a pretend list?


Hunter x Hunter
JJBA Part 6 and Part 7
Slam Dunk


And I think I want to watch Madoka?

I can't think properly.

Most of all I want to find strength in something wonderful.

#92: Gums

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#91: Set a Date



Friday October 10th 2014.

The 13th would've been better but it's on a Monday.

Actually I think that's significant somehow so I might actually go with Monday.

I have a while to think about it.

#90 : Status Quo


I'm really fixed on the number 23 but I figure if I do it at 24 then I can look at it as a mini victory!

#89: It's too hot

It's too hot now. How annoying.

I just had the thought that next winter should be my last so now I'm scared and lonely.

#88: Flighty

Yesterday morning I put my tumblr blog on hiatus and temporarily deleted my twitter account. No one interacts with me on tumblr anymore but I wanted to discourage myself from posting there. I use twitter to talk to the only three people I know online anymore so it had to go.

I've been feeling that I've been losing my head a little. My feelings are running away from me ad I'm a little afraid of letting my blubbering get to people. I never complain about how I'm feeling to anyone. I put all my bad feelings into these blogs on EP. At most I say, "I'm sleepy/tired/sick/" but I have never said I was feeling sad or down or anything like that. I do express exasperation or anger but only at huge issues like racism. I'm also not out to these people (everything I've said or not said hints at being cis and not trans as is really the case) so they've definitely never heard me complain about that.

I don't want to let the loneliness get to me. I don't want to place this horrible burden on a bunch of kids.

I don't want to make them care about me when they don't know what a gross and useless thing I am.

But when I shut down those accounts I didn't say anything.
Because part of me wanted some idea. I wanted to know if I'd be missed. If they're used to my flightiness. If they're tired of this whole thing.

One of them messaged me on a phone app we happen to both use. They sent a message about wanting to punch me or something. I replied that I was just on a break and that was it.

A break from what.
I break from that part of me that's friends with them.

I don't like that part of me. I don't like that part which still very much enjoys human contact and wants to think that there's hope for a future.

That part which if pushed with the growing weight of loneliness could open the gates and let all these unspoken feelings rush out.

It was that same part that allowed me to post those stories on EP the other day. I deleted them yesterday.

The only thing I like about myself is that ability to keep things to myself. If only I could hide my inner self enough to have nobody even glance at me. If only I wasn't so weak. But I'm so happy that I can keep people at a distance. Even when being alone hurts me, even when the shame of my own existence burns me from the inside-out, another part of me says, "Good. At least this much is secret. This much is yours and no one else can look at it." It feels cleaner somehow. Knowing that I can hide this in the end.

But I have to constantly squash that half that wants to cry and have someone notice. I have to let it burn itself out then snuff it.

I don't deserve the luxury of feeling cared about.

#87: My Eyes Hurt

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#86: EP Stories

Uwah

I deleted a bunch of my worst stories. They were either too horribly written or no longer relevant. But I wrote two just now. They were a product of my loneliness and trans related hopelessness but at least I got some feelings out. I'll probably delete the trans one though. I hate making people feel uncomfortable about the whole wah I don't wanna be alive thing.

I guess that's why I liked the old setup. It seemed like the blogs weren't really shared. It felt like I was sharing but not really! TBH I don't know if the new setup is less discreet but I feel like it is? Well I am sure that they took off one of the fetures I used to like. The one where you could see all the new stories regardless of whether or not you added that experience.

Aaah just let me nap until forever.

#85: How things are

Update?
I did lose 12 pounds on the master cleanse diet. But we didn't start the other diet so I'm sure I'm back to 238 by now. I didn't check because it makes me want to cry.


I looked up cremation prices. The closest place to me is  about a thousand dollars. How can I make that much by December? I need a part-time job.

The average life span for a trans person is 23. Or so I heard anyway. Point is that I should just go away soon.

I wish I had it in me to write this in a way that made sense. :

#84: Master Cleanse

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#83: Nothing New

Basically I want to reiterate everything from the last post but also

It's going to be my birthday soon and I want to cry and hit myself until my arms are covered in bruises but I'm mostly just stuffing myself with food and BL comics.

I've been having dreams where I get to fix my life and have a job and friends and just awesome stuff so when I wake up I want to die.

The last two people vaguely interested in me have stopped trying to talk to me completely.

It'll be time to clean out my stuff soon.

#82: Alive too long

I was supposed to start the short course but I messed up the timing so I'm still a NEET. My parents hate me but they never want to talk anything out. I've pushed away any friends and despite small progress in the beginning I'm back to 0 weight change. I want to, or rather need to, die already but I'm scared. I haven't been wanting to update this blog because I'm ashamed. I'm still useless and deserve to be lonely. I have no real ambition or talent so why can't I stop being dumb and drown.

#81: No Internet but still whining

No Internet because ATT DSL is awful. Thankfully I have my phone so I won't go completely crazy. That sounds like I'm exaggerating but the only positive interaction I have with anyone is online.

I hate to always be sad but you know I keep hoping I'll wake up as someone else each and every day. I keep hoping something or someone gives me another chance but I know that's not going to happen. I don't like being alive. There's no energy to climb out of this hole either.

I'll have to try though. I mean my expectations are so low that I have to make it.

#80: EP Mobile site fails me

The mobile site is much better now but it still doesn't allow me access to this blogging feature. I guess this is one of the least used sections? Too bad.

A long while ago I used to follow this girl's blog which mostly focused on her having trouble at school and her crush on her former teacher. I forgot her username and lost track of her blog but I hope she's doing well.

So um Christmas was okay and I got presents! My mom and sister bought things for me and I deserved nothing. Thank you mom and sister.

This year I only gave one present and it was an online Secret Santa thing so I drew a picture. I got a great picture too. :)


Okay enough senseless nonsense. Until next time, Internet void.

#79: Can't

Yesterday I tried to let myself cry but I couldn't do it because I knew I was hoping that my mom would see and ask me what was wrong. It was disgusting.

Today I posted vaguely about being unable to talk to anyone openly because ~secrets~ after a whole day of terrible unfunny jokes but I deleted it. No one really cares anyway because no one knows me. Of course they dont know me because I purposely keep secrets.

Why do I exist?

#78: Correction

The girl I wanted to add me back posted something about how she's missing messages and that people should message her again. I messaged her again and she added me back.

I was really happy!

But now I'm afraid to talk to anyone.

#77: Rejection

I sent the BL girl a message about adding me but she didn't. It makes me pretty sad. I know that she doesn't have a reason to like me but...? Well that's what happens.

I also regret making the account. I wonder if what I really wanted was to cut myself off from people in general. I mean I wanted to lose some really gross people but I probably wanted to lose everyone anyway. I should stop bothering the other two I kept contact with. I really should.

One of them identifies as FTM too but they're so young and I don't want to just give them all this angst about life.

I want to melt away into the ground.


1-20 of 86 Blogs   

Previous Posts
#96: TV, posted October 6th, 2013
#95: Again for the last time, posted August 7th, 2013
#94: Still around, posted August 1st, 2013
#93 : What Do I Read, posted June 24th, 2013
#92: Gums, posted June 18th, 2013
#91: Set a Date, posted June 10th, 2013
#90 : Status Quo, posted June 6th, 2013
#89: It's too hot, posted June 4th, 2013
#88: Flighty, posted May 15th, 2013
#87: My Eyes Hurt, posted May 15th, 2013
#86: EP Stories, posted May 10th, 2013
#85: How things are, posted April 28th, 2013
#84: Master Cleanse, posted April 1st, 2013
#83: Nothing New, posted March 27th, 2013
#82: Alive too long, posted February 2nd, 2013
#81: No Internet but still whining, posted January 6th, 2013
#80: EP Mobile site fails me, posted December 29th, 2012
#79: Can't, posted December 9th, 2012
#78: Correction, posted November 30th, 2012
#77: Rejection, posted November 27th, 2012
#76: Manga still lifts my spirits, posted November 25th, 2012
#75: Tomorrow won't be fun, posted November 22nd, 2012
#74: Hugs, posted November 14th, 2012
#73: Nice dream. Shame I can't remember., posted November 8th, 2012
#72: What am I trying to say, posted November 5th, 2012
#71: It's 2 AM, posted October 20th, 2012
#70: Identifying as a WOC but not?, posted September 11th, 2012
#69: Early morning, posted August 15th, 2012
#68: Improvement, posted August 9th, 2012
#67: Not just shallow, posted July 23rd, 2012
#66: Didn't forget, posted July 12th, 2012
#65: I did try, posted June 10th, 2012
#64: Quiet, posted June 7th, 2012
#63: Momjust left, posted May 31st, 2012
#62: People grow but not me, posted May 27th, 2012
#61: Impossible, posted May 17th, 2012
#60: Fright, posted May 5th, 2012
#59: Panic, posted May 4th, 2012
#58: Ye, posted May 1st, 2012
#57: The Current You: Self Loathing Edition, posted April 30th, 2012
#56: Good feelings?, posted April 27th, 2012
#55: Morning- String of thoughts, posted April 22nd, 2012
#54: Alleviate affection, posted April 19th, 2012, 1 comment
#53: Less, posted April 14th, 2012
#52: Nothing, posted April 1st, 2012
#51: Watching, clinging, posted March 23rd, 2012
#50: Please, posted March 16th, 2012
#49: School, posted February 26th, 2012
#48: First week, posted February 24th, 2012
#47: Bad start, posted February 21st, 2012
1-50 of 95 Blog Posts   

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