nonnonnonochi's Blog

Yesterday morning I put my tumblr blog on hiatus and temporarily deleted my twitter account. No one interacts with me on tumblr anymore but I wanted to discourage myself from posting there. I use twitter to talk to the only three people I know online anymore so it had to go.

I've been feeling that I've been losing my head a little. My feelings are running away from me ad I'm a little afraid of letting my blubbering get to people. I never complain about how I'm feeling to anyone. I put all my bad feelings into these blogs on EP. At most I say, "I'm sleepy/tired/sick/" but I have never said I was feeling sad or down or anything like that. I do express exasperation or anger but only at huge issues like racism. I'm also not out to these people (everything I've said or not said hints at being cis and not trans as is really the case) so they've definitely never heard me complain about that.

I don't want to let the loneliness get to me. I don't want to place this horrible burden on a bunch of kids.

I don't want to make them care about me when they don't know what a gross and useless thing I am.

But when I shut down those accounts I didn't say anything.
Because part of me wanted some idea. I wanted to know if I'd be missed. If they're used to my flightiness. If they're tired of this whole thing.

One of them messaged me on a phone app we happen to both use. They sent a message about wanting to punch me or something. I replied that I was just on a break and that was it.

A break from what.
I break from that part of me that's friends with them.

I don't like that part of me. I don't like that part which still very much enjoys human contact and wants to think that there's hope for a future.

That part which if pushed with the growing weight of loneliness could open the gates and let all these unspoken feelings rush out.

It was that same part that allowed me to post those stories on EP the other day. I deleted them yesterday.

The only thing I like about myself is that ability to keep things to myself. If only I could hide my inner self enough to have nobody even glance at me. If only I wasn't so weak. But I'm so happy that I can keep people at a distance. Even when being alone hurts me, even when the shame of my own existence burns me from the inside-out, another part of me says, "Good. At least this much is secret. This much is yours and no one else can look at it." It feels cleaner somehow. Knowing that I can hide this in the end.

But I have to constantly squash that half that wants to cry and have someone notice. I have to let it burn itself out then snuff it.

I don't deserve the luxury of feeling cared about.

Uwah

I deleted a bunch of my worst stories. They were either too horribly written or no longer relevant. But I wrote two just now. They were a product of my loneliness and trans related hopelessness but at least I got some feelings out. I'll probably delete the trans one though. I hate making people feel uncomfortable about the whole wah I don't wanna be alive thing.

I guess that's why I liked the old setup. It seemed like the blogs weren't really shared. It felt like I was sharing but not really! TBH I don't know if the new setup is less discreet but I feel like it is? Well I am sure that they took off one of the fetures I used to like. The one where you could see all the new stories regardless of whether or not you added that experience.

Aaah just let me nap until forever.

Update?
I did lose 12 pounds on the master cleanse diet. But we didn't start the other diet so I'm sure I'm back to 238 by now. I didn't check because it makes me want to cry.


I looked up cremation prices. The closest place to me is  about a thousand dollars. How can I make that much by December? I need a part-time job.

The average life span for a trans person is 23. Or so I heard anyway. Point is that I should just go away soon.

I wish I had it in me to write this in a way that made sense. :

Basically I want to reiterate everything from the last post but also

It's going to be my birthday soon and I want to cry and hit myself until my arms are covered in bruises but I'm mostly just stuffing myself with food and BL comics.

I've been having dreams where I get to fix my life and have a job and friends and just awesome stuff so when I wake up I want to die.

The last two people vaguely interested in me have stopped trying to talk to me completely.

It'll be time to clean out my stuff soon.

I was supposed to start the short course but I messed up the timing so I'm still a NEET. My parents hate me but they never want to talk anything out. I've pushed away any friends and despite small progress in the beginning I'm back to 0 weight change. I want to, or rather need to, die already but I'm scared. I haven't been wanting to update this blog because I'm ashamed. I'm still useless and deserve to be lonely. I have no real ambition or talent so why can't I stop being dumb and drown.

No Internet because ATT DSL is awful. Thankfully I have my phone so I won't go completely crazy. That sounds like I'm exaggerating but the only positive interaction I have with anyone is online.

I hate to always be sad but you know I keep hoping I'll wake up as someone else each and every day. I keep hoping something or someone gives me another chance but I know that's not going to happen. I don't like being alive. There's no energy to climb out of this hole either.

I'll have to try though. I mean my expectations are so low that I have to make it.

The mobile site is much better now but it still doesn't allow me access to this blogging feature. I guess this is one of the least used sections? Too bad.

A long while ago I used to follow this girl's blog which mostly focused on her having trouble at school and her crush on her former teacher. I forgot her username and lost track of her blog but I hope she's doing well.

So um Christmas was okay and I got presents! My mom and sister bought things for me and I deserved nothing. Thank you mom and sister.

This year I only gave one present and it was an online Secret Santa thing so I drew a picture. I got a great picture too. :)


Okay enough senseless nonsense. Until next time, Internet void.

Yesterday I tried to let myself cry but I couldn't do it because I knew I was hoping that my mom would see and ask me what was wrong. It was disgusting.

Today I posted vaguely about being unable to talk to anyone openly because ~secrets~ after a whole day of terrible unfunny jokes but I deleted it. No one really cares anyway because no one knows me. Of course they dont know me because I purposely keep secrets.

Why do I exist?

The girl I wanted to add me back posted something about how she's missing messages and that people should message her again. I messaged her again and she added me back.

I was really happy!

But now I'm afraid to talk to anyone.

I sent the BL girl a message about adding me but she didn't. It makes me pretty sad. I know that she doesn't have a reason to like me but...? Well that's what happens.

I also regret making the account. I wonder if what I really wanted was to cut myself off from people in general. I mean I wanted to lose some really gross people but I probably wanted to lose everyone anyway. I should stop bothering the other two I kept contact with. I really should.

One of them identifies as FTM too but they're so young and I don't want to just give them all this angst about life.

I want to melt away into the ground.

I think I've had this blog over a year now. Yaaaay. I'm a little sad about missing the anniversary but I don't I would have done anything anyway.

To continue that theme in my last entry, I had another dream and this  one was even more BL coated. Perhaps I am finally become too "rotten"? OTL

Well it definitely involved tropes I'm a fan of like crossdressing. I'm too embarrassed to get into details though. I am still suffering from the effects of just seeing such a cute person up close (even if it was in a dream).

I really do want to be a cute person. A male cute person but I gotta start accepting that I'm not cis. Sometimes I think that I'm okay with it but then I get pangs of anguish (this sounds dramatic but it's accurate) and I don't want to exist.

Yesterday or earlier today (my sleep schedule is off again) I deleted one of my tumblr accounts. It's a "big deal" because it was the one where I actually interacted with people (mostly those from the group from the forum I used to frequent on a daily basis). Anyway I probably looked like a brat. I had made a post whining about not talking to anyone and wanting to delete my blog right before actually doing so. The problem is a remained vague and didn't explain that really I had boxed myself in again about my gender identity and that lead to me being secretive making me feel anxious. There are two people I sincerely like though to whom I might actually come clean. I feel bad because they're not even 18 yet and I'm too old for this. I don't want to tell them things like about my excessive and constant self loathing (this blog can only soak up 90% of it, 10% is still too much to share). Someone send me a friend my age, please.

Actually I finally had said hi to the BL girl I really like (she's a little older than me) but now I gotta tell her a have a new account but I wanna wait until I have my personal blog up. I want to be friends with her and not just reblog pretty pics form each other. I want to approach her as me. She thinks I'm a girl tho. OTL

Would you believe I originally signed on to talk about wishing I could find a good shoujo manga? ''

I get anxious when people ask about the holidays. I don't want to be like, "Well my family hates each other and I don't have any close friends so I spent most of my time online." Like whoa no one wants that dumped on them. I'll just end up lying and saying my family had a small dinner at home and stuff but it hurts a bit? Like someone is slightly squeezing my esophagus from the inside. Well there's nothing to do about it now.

Aside from that I wanted to write down a little about my dream.

I can't really remember much but there is one thing.

I've been reading so much nice BL lately. I dreamed that whatever demon boy I was partners with was very cute and I as a fellow demon or shapeshifter was teasing him because obviously that's what happens in my BL dreams. I thought it was very cute. (´ ▽｀).。ｏ♡

I want to draw. (✿ ♥‿♥)

I want to hug you! I want to pass all my happy feelings and warmth to you. I want to make sure I pass on love before I'm gone. I want people to be happy.

 I love it when my dreams feel like a story. Like I really feel as if I disappeared and did something. I like it when it involves running around bizarre cities and hiding out in secret passages. I love it when when I'm trying to escape some evil baddies and I have a cool sidekick with me (though I'm happy being the sidekick too). I would be so happy if I could just take control of my dreams but all this subconscious stuff is pretty great.

Just

WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THEM ALL ;-;

I am afraid, internet void. I am afraid of being alive for many years more.

But

Right now I'm seeing clips of wishes and hopes I had growing up. Of a life I thought I  could have had in some future. I know it's impossible but part of me has this faith that things will work out. I don't want much. But I KNOW things don't work like that.

Usually I am alone or I'm not in these clips at all but they feel clean and comfortable.

I grew up in a world that treats me like a WOC. I empathize with WOC. I feel most comfortable with them. I don't feel like I'm lying to them because I have lived, still live, life as a WOC. But I don't identify as a woman. I am not a woman. But cis-men scare me. I don't want to feel at home with them. Cis- MOC are less scary but still are pretty scary. I feel that I need Trans-MOC in my life.